Day 161:30/08/2013

Holy God,

We give you thanks.
We give you praise
for all your ways.

You delight in us
We delight in you
Send your spirit like the evening dew.

Your love lingers longer
Your heart beats deeper
Your grace runs truer
than this wandering heart can go.

I love you. My other.  My holy.

Amen.

Day 160: 29/08/2013

You look deep into my eyes and ask me to pray for sun tomorrow.
Tomorrow when you burry him.

I carefully fold the socks and the shoes and think about how these are their last moments above ground.

I see it in your eyes; you're barely hanging in there.
And I'm not sure how you're even still breathing.

And there are shoes everywhere.
People everywhere.
Inside the store is at least 7 degrees more humid than the rest of the mall.

And it's an off day.

I just want to sit down and cuddle you.
Cuddle you and your little feet.
Whisper stories of new beginnings.
Stories of the fun of school and learning.
I hate that those moments have been robbed from you.
When right now, right at this exciting new time, you lost someone.
Someone you really needed.
And my heart just breaks. Just breaks for you.

And it's an off day.

Day 159:28/08/2013

I smell fall coming.
I smell the fresh rain and the crisp decomposing leaves.
My body rests.
Rests into the new routine.

I search to find my lost ring and think about how you search for me.
How you search for all my lost parts: the parts that still need to be found and rescued.
And I'm thankful.

Thankful for your faithfulness which is sure and is not false.
Thankful for your goodness and mercy that follow me like little butterflies.
Thankful for grace notes and moments.
Thankful.
Thankful for you, my other, my holy.
Amen

Day 158: 27/08/2013

Holy God, Sweet Jesus, ever moving Spirit,

I ask for miracles and you tell me to ask for grace.
Clearly I don't know what I need.

So fill me..

Fill me with your life giving and life guiding spirit.
Transplant in me your tender mercy and your kind faithfulness.
Overextend your stay in my heart, live here, forever, take all the rooms you want. Be an inconvenient guest, Lord, for my life is yours. Or I want it to be anyway.

Still me with your overarching, beyond understanding peace.
Open in me a well of the joy of your salvation.
Shed my false skin like that of a snake, show my true colours, show your true colours, Lord.

Be heavy with me this day.
This day be within and without me....

Amen.

Day 157: 26/08/2013

Holy God,

And you're teaching me slowly and surely how to rest. How to be still with you.
You're teaching me how to walk humbly, how to walk each step with you.

I strive and conquer
You demolish and destroy.

I cry and give up in defeat
You speak life and hope

You undo me.
Over and over again you undo me.

Conversion

Day 156: 25/08/2013

Holy God,

I can't seem to keep the days straight, so I float on your faithfulness, on the assurance that you are who you say you are.

And even when I'm tired, and my mind is fully loaded,
I know that even here your grace meets and leads me.
I know that even here in my overthinking, your love chases and pursues me.

You and you only quiet me and heal me.
You and you only sing new songs in my ear.
You and you only teach  me and help me to stay.
You and you only rescue me and mend me.

I love you. You my other. My holy. Amen

Day 155: 24/08/2013

And there are days when I spit at you.
That I look you in the face and tell you, "you're not welcome".

And yet I sit here and complain to you about the moments I feel unwelcome.

My heart is grieved that there are whole days, whole weeks, whole months that I treat you and your babies like that. Unwelcome, unspecial, unbeautiful.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that some days I'm 100% jerk and 0% blessing.
And I pray that your grace would fill up that 0% until its overflowing with digits.

Let your love wash over us...
Wash over our multitude of sins...

Day 154:23/08/2013

And I sit for a moment
I sit for a moment with you underneath this earth that you gave us.
I listen to the rain
quietly, patiently watering your earth through this night.
And I know that your faithfulness is as sure as the rain in Vancouver, even after a long dry July.

My heart quiets
the distractions cease
and its here in your stillness that I am at peace.

And I can wander down the streets of "what if's"
but my heart rests assured in the calm of your care, in the shelter of your willow tree love, that stretches far and wide and hangs over every disappointment, every failed moment.

Rest me in your care, bind my heart to yourself with strong chords of faithfulness.
Let me know your love and let me know it fresh.

In the name of the Father,
His son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Day 153:22/08/2013

Oh and you chase me down
you search until you find every last piece of me.

My heart unfolds before you.
You pierce me to the deepest core.

How is your love this vast?
How is your faithfulness so sure?
How is your healing so thorough?


And I lift up my voice.
Yes I lift in straight up.
In honour and worship
In spirit and in truth.

Fill my heart with your laughter
and my ears with your joy.

For in your presence
and your presence alone
is fullness of joy.

amen.

Day 152:21/08/2013

The moments turn into days
I soak up every ounce of these rays

I find your beauty and truth
in every second, every hour of these moments of my life.

Your love overwhelms and astounds me
guard me and changing me.

It's in these sacred moments among the lilies and the bees
that I find myself and you intertwined in love's faithful seas.

Where your spirit is there is life, healing, truth, and beauty.
May they echo through my day like loud thunder in Alberta.

You are truer
you are stronger
than every moment of my frailty.

It's your kingdom
It's your glory
It's your honour
It's your story.
Forever. Amen.

Day 151: 20/08/2013

I whimper and wail
Where is your love for me?

You pause and pursue
Why do I leave your presence?

I tremble and tattle
Where is your assurance?

You quiet and quilt
Why do I squirm?

I marvel and mutter
Are you actually faithful?

You assure and allow
Why do I believe my fears?

Heart invasion
Heart conversion
Heart consecration

Day 150: 19/08/2013

Holy God,

And how can the holy and the hatred come out of one source?
How can both fresh and salt water flow forth?
How can my mouth sputter both lies and truth?

Your grace washes over
every minute of disdain
every moment of unwarranted pain

and my heart fills with wonder at the grace offered me
in the face of all my selfish distrust

I snatch back the things I gave you
I clench them in my own fists
and they shatter and scatter

but your love ebbs even further
than my wandering heart could go
reaching forward,
pacing backward
dancing back to and fro

my heart settles quiet
under your patient care
speak your kindness over my darkness
and let me nestle there.

Control        GRACE

Day 149: 18/08/2013

And my day was a neat mess from one extreme to the next.

I brought in the morning in silence and simple.
I echoed your praises and shouted prayers for your people.

I looked long and hard; I gazed in a wild attempt to communicate my peace.
But the look boomeranged back all tangled: I see clearly your broken piece.

People, noise, chaos, shoes, garbage: Mess.

And I quieted my soul in the middle of the basement.
My babies by my side singing louder than rotating cement .

Then the four reunited ate and drank round a table.
Taking shots, laughing lots, praying for men who are stable.

Tuck us into your night.
Till the morning turns light.

We Love you Lord Jesus
Come be heavy and near us.

Amen.

Day 148:17/08/2013

Holy God, Sweet Jesus, ever guiding Spirit,

I started the day in this spot.
This patient spot on my couch, with the view out the window.
And I started this day prayer candle lit, coffee in hand, your words saturating my soul.

And I sit here now at the end of my day.
In my same favorite spot. Stars shinning bright. Mind filled up full.
And I end this day prayer candle flickering, glass of wine in hand, writing your prayers.

You quiet me.
In our spot.
On this couch.
Day or night.
You quiet me.
You calm me.

Day 147: 16/08/2013

Holy God, Sweet Christ, empowering Spirit,

We come to you today already acutely aware of our need for you.
Guide us, stir us, move us, shelter us.

We come to you with arms stretched out.
Receive us, heal us, revive us, collect us.

We come to you with burdens to heavy to bare.
Deliver us, enlighten us, love us, shower your grace upon us.

We come to you from both near and far.
Welcome us, pursue us, steady us, find us.

We come to you.
We come to you with all that we have and are.

For,
Yours is the kingdom,
Yours is the glory,
Yours is the power,
Forever. Amen. Amen.

Day 146: 15/08/2013

 You ask me to pray.  And to text back, "I'll be praying" just felt like a Christian cop out.  I've thought for a few hours about how to respond and I've decided to write.  When I read your text I felt like I could hear the depths of your soul crying out and I want you to know that, yes, I'm gonna join this journey with you and pray. I'm going to advocate on your behalf with all the heavenly hosts. 

And so I pray:

Holy God,

I pray that you would fill us with the knowledge of your grace. That you would soak our souls in your strength.  That your light and truth would radiate in a large circumference around our brains. That we would be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves. 

I pray that you would peel back that layers of paralyzing fear with your unstoppable, all powerful, patient love. That you would breathe truth and grace into the places of greatest anxiety. That you, the Holy God, the one who marched into hell and declared victory, would exert yourself as victor in the deepest fears, especially the unvoiced ones. 

I pray that you would fortify and protect from sickness, from over-self diagnosing, from the lies of inadequacy.  That your mighty truth speaking love would be there on the long heavy days when the way seems and feels too steep and too lonely, on the light joyful days, but also on the ordinary, mundane days. 

I pray that you would remind us that you operate in paradoxes and to not be discouraged when life doesn't seem to make sense.  That you would remind us that it is through the breaking that we become whole.  That it's through the falling that we find our strength. That through the getting lost we become found. 

But above all, I pray that you would remind us that you are with us and that there is never a moment we aren't with you. That there is no circumstance for which you will leave us unattended. That there is no activity or failure that will cause you to turn your back on us.  You are faithful and we rest in that faithfulness because it is sure and is not false.

We give you thanks.

Yours is the power.
Yours is the glory.
Yours is the kingdom.
Forever. Amen.

Day 145: 14/08/2013

Today I choose...

Today I choose to unwrap every second of goodness.
I choose to take the time to breathe and be present to the moments of my life.
I choose to welcome the changes you're making and to celebrate new victories.
I choose to explore possibilities I've never considered.
I choose to engage and become awake to the people you bring through my life.
I choose to receive every moment as a gift from you.

Because.....

All is grace.
All is above and beyond.
All is extra.
All is foam and caramel sauce on top.
All is grace.

Day 144: 13/08/2013

Holy God,

I lay back and float on the rivers of your grace today.
I let the melody of your heart resound deep in the caverns of my soul.
I surrender my will, my agendas, and embrace the patterns you're carving in my life.

Heal my apostasy.
Speak life to the places I keep at gun point.
Speak truth to my unending mountain of fears.

Righten the wrongs.
Straighten the crooked.
Burst things into life that have long laid dead.

Be holy in my heart.
Be a cut above all else.
I love you
My other,
My holy.
Amen.

Day 143:12/08/2013

Holy God,

You make all the crooked places straight.
You righten all the wrongs.
You redeem the irredeemable.
Your generosity is straight up astounding.

You till the earth of my soul.
You let it lie fallow.
You water it with my tears.
Your faithfulness is unmatched in this land of the living.

You write deeper stories and truer patterns than I see.
You speak order into my chaos and beauty into my mess.
You untangle my knots and patiently comb through my life.
Your ebbing, concrete peace is completely disarming.

Have your way, Lord.
Have your way.
For I am mere human and you are Almighty.

In the name of the Father,
                        the Son,
                        and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Day 142:11/08/2013

And its that day. And it feels like it's been "that" day far too often lately.  I sit there in my ripped jeans with my lost and found shirt on and I honestly can't believe how you work these tiny details in my life. I listen, and listen hard about your relentless finding patience. I listen to the story of you leaving the 99 and searching, searching late into the night for your one.  For your one little baby.

And I think about how I feel lost way more than I feel found.

And I can't help but wonder if this is a common human experience or just a weird Jenny thing.  And I try and prepare a lesson for my babies tonight but I'm restless in my constant running away.  So I clean the fridge.  And when I say "clean the fridge" I mean I cleaned the fridge.  Two whole white garbage bags full of uneaten moldy food.  And I took that fridge apart and scrubbed those surfaces. I hear Jesus' phrase to the Pharisees: "first wash the inside then the outside will come clean". I feel Him scrubbing the inside of my soul as I scrub the inside of my fridge. Its like an outward manifestation of the inward work. And I'm not sure what the changes mean or bring, but two full bags of garbage came out. And I feel renewed.

And so I pray:

Holy Father,

I pray that you would keep me clean.
That you would keep my heart and soul set on the things of you.
That you would fill me with your nourishment.
That I would taste and see that you are good and that your steadfast love endures forever.

I pray that you would curb my urge to run.
That you would make me lie down by green pastures and restore my soul by still waters.
That goodness and mercy would follow me and go before me all of my days.

I rest in you.
I rest in your unchanging truth.
Wash me. Then heal me.
That I may be a prepared dwelling place for you my Lord.

In the name of the Father,
his Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.

Day 141: 10/08/2013

And this is how Saturdays are suppose to be (A list of thanksgiving to a most Holy God):

When you wake up after a deep long sleep with only a few dreams.
You wake early and curl up in your duvet on the deck, latte in hand skyping with one of your besties.
When by 10:30 you're onto coffee number three and laughing through the work day.
When you get to see a friend after they've been away for a while.
When you spend your evening at a pool party surrounded by friends savouring every second of your steak.
And when your bring your evening to an end with a movie in one of those small-town-put-your-feet up-on-the-seat-infront of you kind of theaters.
A full Saturday, a lovely Saturday.  I give you thanks.

Day 140: 09/08/2013

Holy God,

The inspiration is completely gone. It's like I am required to live the moments of my life before I can write some kind of response to you. It's like I need to see how this day that you've given me is going to turn out before I can offer up my praise of thanks, or my lament.

 I sit here and realize just how much fear I'm living under.

So come Christ,
     Come Father,
     Come Spirit,

Deconstruct every carefully crafted tower of fear and control.
Center me, yep, position me right on your lap that I may look into your eyes yet again.
Let me look into your eyes and experience all the fear and hurt just fall to the ground, like the leaves off a deciduous tree in the fall.
Shed my fear like the skin of a snake.
Teach me to walk wisely in your freedom.
Teach me to walk as one who has tasted water from the well of Jacob.

Remind me who I am, and who you are.
Center me. Focus me. Adjust my aperture.

Day 139: 08/08/2013

I contemplate whether it's an orange creamcicle kind of day.  I'm 73.4% sure it is, but that's just not enough to convince this girl to wear her orange sherbet pants.  Not even three hours later am I eating an orange popsicle and spill it all over my grey and blue outfit and I realize that it really was a Bacardi breezer pant kind of day. 

And that's how I feel...

Just so out of sync with what is actually going on in my own life.  As if blue and grey are the colours of my days, when in reality there's a bright sun rise and sun set.

And so I pray...

I pray that you would catch me up to speed.
That you would sync my soul to your heart and your will.
That you would speak your truth words all over my life, at the beginning of each day and at the close of each night.
That your patience and love would push through every minute of writers block.
That your goodness and mercy would swallow up all of my despair and hopelessness.

Delight on me and I you. 
Again and again sweet Jesus the Light.
I love you. My other. My Holy.

Day 138: 07/08/2013

I wake and enjoy my moments of coffee.
I read your words up.
I taste them but they don't dig deep, they don't sink in.

I fight to have the joy.
I give thanks through clenched teeth.
I write your truth words on my hand in hopes that their power will be like the ink and soak deep into my veins.

I speak harsh to you. No kindness in my dialogue.

Yet....

You are relentless in your tenderness.
You send one of my besties with coffee and kind loving truth words right into the store.
You send bubbles of hugs and laughter.
You send steak and wine on a new barbeque.

You're pushing out my bitterness and hurt with your tender love and mercy.
I'm in awe of your workings.

Day 137: 06/08/2013

I just keep breaking
and breaking
and breaking.

Break me whole.
Scatter me found.
Dishevel me pretty
Delete me complete.
Tear me together.

Day 136: 05/08/2013

Holy God,

And it's been that kind of day.  The day that just seems slightly off tilt.  The day I head out to buy coffee and find myself at my friends house, barging in unannounced asking for coffee.

I'm avoiding you.
Avoiding dealing with you.

Barge into my life, barge into my mind, plunge yourself into my life, Christ, ask for coffee.
 Make me stop and sit with you for a while.
Make me linger a little longer, listen a little truer.
 I want to be faithful to you and to you only.

And my heart it will only rest when it finds its resting place in you.
So chase me down, search after me and all my scattered parts.
Pursue me with your reckless love until I am 130% assured of your goodness and mercy.
Shelter me with your truth. Anoint me with your spirit.
All day long I put my hope I you, Yes my only hope is in you.
Amen.

Day 135: 04/08/2013

God,

I lay on the floor and teach your words.
I lay there and make your babies stare at your truth words.
I make us just stare at your poignant question that strikes chords deep and to the bone.
And we ask ourselves over and over in the deep parts of our mind: "do I want to be healed?"
I want to scream "yes", but to live the "no" seems so much safer, seems so much more within my own control.

But I do...I utter my small "yes".
I say "yes" to your healing.
          "yes" to your life.
          "yes" to you and all that your bring.
           "yes".

Come Lord Jesus come.

Day 134: 03/08/2013

Sweet Christ of life,

We delight ourselves in your presence.
We embrace your life giving truth and we let their words wash over us.
We listen to your words, we paint them. We chew on them.
Speak Lord, your servants are listening.

We soak our hearts in your healing presence.
We receive your anointing. We partake of the Balm of Gilead.
Heal Lord, for your servants are willing.

We rest in your peace today.
We float on your waters of love. We bob up and down on your lake of faithfulness.
Invite Lord, for your servants are entering.

In the name of the Father,
His Son,
and His Holy Spirit.
Amen .

Day 133: 02/08/2013

Oh and it's that kind of day.  You know the one I mean.  The day you sit down at the computer to write with cookie dough and a chai tea.  The day you take a picture of the magnets on the fridge that spell "look wild ones for grace each moment" because you know you're gonna need the reminder a gazillion times. 

The day you wake to rain, that slow now unfamiliar drizzle that somehow makes you slow down, relax.  That makes you just want to curl up on the deck in your down blanket and read the day away. 

I feel this new rhythm it's been pushing its cadence forward faintly for a while.  A silent shift in the atmosphere. A quiet content kind of change. A stilling. A calming. A quieting. And today I'm ready.  I'm ready to open my arms and embrace it.

I walk out my front door, smile at my neighbour who's out having his first smoke of the day. He smiles in return and whispers, "have a good day".  And those words follow me like a large announcement, echoing round and round in my head.  Those kind morning words from my long-hared smoking neighbour feel like a commissioning.  A commissioning like I haven't experienced in years, so different from the ones at the front of the church with hands laid on. A commissioning I can't even seem to define. A commissioning I didn't know was waiting for me.

The common and the sacred collide mingling into a quiet explosion in the early morning air. I can barely breathe in awe of my surprise holy moment.  And I'm more sure than ever of that silent shift in the atmosphere today. Of this transformation in my heart. This new chapter.  This new season of stillness.

And so...
I rest today.  I rest in the refreshing of your rains.  I rest in the sureness of your faithfulness. I surrender completely to you, a new level.  Yes, I allow you to ground me once again in your steadfast love. Let your presence surround me as your breakdown my walls. I love you, my other, my holy.

Day 132: 01/08/2013

Holy Father,

We sit in your presence.
We let the cold morning air refresh our brains and thinking.
We drink our coffee letting it work its way into our hearts and minds.
We enjoy the fragrance of a candle.
And we talk about hard truths and extreme vulnerability
We laugh over silly things and the awkward moments of our lives...

In your presence is fullness of joy.
We have seen and are still seeing your goodness unfold in our lives.
We delight in you.
We delight in who you are.
Open our hands, unfold more of your life giving, death defying presence.

We love you.
We thank you.
Amen.

Day 131: 31/07/2013

Holy God,

And even when the way is long and steep,
and when the day is full,
your goodness and mercy just seem to follow me every extra mile.
Your strength surrounds me and I hear victory shouts.
Nourish me with your loving kindness.
Delight in me again and again.
May the joy of your presence echo louder and louder.

I am my beloved's and he is mine.
Set me in your presence forever.
Amen.